Rum Cake

I spent the better part of the day doing arts and crafts with my daughter and my middle child (son). We made random ornaments out of pipe cleaners and beads for our Christmas tree (which is already erected in our living room). I also, playing around, made a few flowers and a butterfly for good measure.

I'm trying to be proactive with spending time with the kids, even when it's not always one on one (like today). I do let them set the place, and come and go from the activity as they please. My two older boys wanted nothing to do with it, but that doesn't surprise me... as they are 9 and 10 years old. My middle child is seven, so he wanted to participate fleetingly.

We did get some bad news on Friday about him. He's been having troubles at school and came to find out that he has profound hearing loss in one ear, and some hearing loss in the other. Maybe knowing this, we can work on getting him the help he needs and that will improve his behavior and grades.

For today's cooking project, I donned my brand new apron and made rum cup cakes. They were tasty (the alcohol burns off, and anyways, I used extract instead of real rum). Of course, my house is a terrible mess after having the kids home for four days again, so I must finish feeding the baby and work at cleaning up at least a little bit.

Dinner and a Scarf

Amazingly, this morning, my children let me sleep in until almost nine in the morning. This never happens, but even the baby was content letting me sleep. It was good in the sense that I had been up a few times in the wee hours of the morning feeding the baby.

Most morning, the kids are the ones who make their own breakfasts. This morning was no exception. Two had waffles, two had re-heated pizza.

I swept the floors and scrubbed the mat that usually goes on the floor in the living room.

I crocheted a scarf for my daughter. She has a choir-esque performance at the hotel on post called Dragon Hill Lodge with the other kindergarteners. Their teacher wants them to be dressed uniformly: khaki/tan pants/skirts, white long-sleeved, collared shirts or turtle necks, and red scarves. It's simple enough, but for the life of me, I haven't been able to locate any of that on post.

But, I was able to make the scarf. So, that is something.

For dinner, I had no idea what I was going to cook, but I managed a chicken pesto with peas, onions, and carrots on tri-color pasta. It must have been good. There were no leftovers. It's good to have things like chicken, pasta, and pesto on hand for quick and easy meals that seem like they should have been harder and taste like the should have taken longer.

The older three boys got hair cuts today, and they look spiffy.

I must go to the market tomorrow or Monday, but for now, the baby is crying.

The Idea

For the longest time, I have believed that I was born in the wrong era. Everywhere I look, I see women who thrive on being out of the house as employees and students, striving to push the woman further and further into the 'mans' world. At one point in my early twenties, I was that woman. I had a career. Yes, it was a 'woman' position, a receptionist for lack of a better term with a nifty title of 'patient care coordinator'. If I were to go back into the work force today, I would so use that term It sounds more meaningful.

I was the woman who at age 23 went back to work early from maternity leave, skipping, after having my fourth child, my only girl. I was working long hours, and thriving.

Then, in Fall of 2007, I up and quit my job. Over four years of working there, and I put in my two weeks notice. I was done. It wasn't anything bad, just a shift of my priorities. My children were struggling with my being an absent parent, my marriage was struggling with my being an seemingly absent wife, and the household, well, it was really struggling. After all those years of having to be the one working full time and being in control, it was really so simple to just walk away.

I suppose it started, that thought that it was time, when I spent a week on vacation around my seven year anniversary. I spent that week looking at my just turned two year old daughter and her staring back at me. We were strangers. This little girl that I had wanted all my life and I had already missed out on the first two precious years of her life. I didn't know what foods she liked, her favorite songs, the toys she liked to play with. I missed her crawling and her first words. But worst of all, above missing her first steps, she saw me as a stranger. Whenever she needed comforting, it was her Daddy and not me that she wanted.

Part of that was my fault early on. I could have just as easily gotten up with her during some of the night feedings. I could have changed more diapers, spent more time playing with her on the weekends and at night when I got home. But, I didn't.

So, when the decision came that my husband had been offered a full time job during the day, and he really wanted to take it, it was a simple choice to make. I went from career woman to stay-at-home-mum in no time flat.

It's been three years now since I left my job, and I am no better a mother or wife than I was back then. I am a horrible housekeeper, I drop the ball on simple things like checking to make sure that my kids' homework is done and is neat. I do cook, and that seems to be the only thing that I have been doing as of lately that is somewhat close to being what I 'should' be doing.

Secretly, I want to be like June Clever (though, to be honest, I have never watched the show she plays in). I want to have a tidy house, where my laundry is done, my rooms are all tidy, dinner is nearly perfect. I'm not asking for perfect kids, but I want to be a better, more attentive mother.

It's been some years since I've seen the Stepford Wives (despite having a still sealed copy on my shelf), but that is the kind of woman I strive to be. Not the mindless robot, per say, but the wife who is attentive towards her husband and mother who is attentive to her children.

I have already made little steps towards it. This year, I have at least show up and showed my face for every school event that my kids have participated in, even if I haven't stayed (can we say I just dropped off food and poked my head in on the two older boys' Chuseok feasts at school). I chose my family over my friends and attended an American Thanksgiving performance with my daughter's class when I have rather gone out with my friend.

Mostly, I need accountability, and this is where this recording of events comes into effect. If I know I have a place that I have to come back to and be responsible for reporting my successes and short-comings, maybe things will go smoother.

I know a lot people think my idea is dated. After all, didn't women fight for the right to work as a man does? I have the ability to chose. I could just as easily place my children in daycare and go to work, but I don't want others raising my children when I have the ability. I chose to be a stay-at-home-mum, a housewife.

Since I can't sleep tonight, I decided that today would be a good day to get my ideas out, and start a fresh tomorrow.