The Idea

For the longest time, I have believed that I was born in the wrong era. Everywhere I look, I see women who thrive on being out of the house as employees and students, striving to push the woman further and further into the 'mans' world. At one point in my early twenties, I was that woman. I had a career. Yes, it was a 'woman' position, a receptionist for lack of a better term with a nifty title of 'patient care coordinator'. If I were to go back into the work force today, I would so use that term It sounds more meaningful.

I was the woman who at age 23 went back to work early from maternity leave, skipping, after having my fourth child, my only girl. I was working long hours, and thriving.

Then, in Fall of 2007, I up and quit my job. Over four years of working there, and I put in my two weeks notice. I was done. It wasn't anything bad, just a shift of my priorities. My children were struggling with my being an absent parent, my marriage was struggling with my being an seemingly absent wife, and the household, well, it was really struggling. After all those years of having to be the one working full time and being in control, it was really so simple to just walk away.

I suppose it started, that thought that it was time, when I spent a week on vacation around my seven year anniversary. I spent that week looking at my just turned two year old daughter and her staring back at me. We were strangers. This little girl that I had wanted all my life and I had already missed out on the first two precious years of her life. I didn't know what foods she liked, her favorite songs, the toys she liked to play with. I missed her crawling and her first words. But worst of all, above missing her first steps, she saw me as a stranger. Whenever she needed comforting, it was her Daddy and not me that she wanted.

Part of that was my fault early on. I could have just as easily gotten up with her during some of the night feedings. I could have changed more diapers, spent more time playing with her on the weekends and at night when I got home. But, I didn't.

So, when the decision came that my husband had been offered a full time job during the day, and he really wanted to take it, it was a simple choice to make. I went from career woman to stay-at-home-mum in no time flat.

It's been three years now since I left my job, and I am no better a mother or wife than I was back then. I am a horrible housekeeper, I drop the ball on simple things like checking to make sure that my kids' homework is done and is neat. I do cook, and that seems to be the only thing that I have been doing as of lately that is somewhat close to being what I 'should' be doing.

Secretly, I want to be like June Clever (though, to be honest, I have never watched the show she plays in). I want to have a tidy house, where my laundry is done, my rooms are all tidy, dinner is nearly perfect. I'm not asking for perfect kids, but I want to be a better, more attentive mother.

It's been some years since I've seen the Stepford Wives (despite having a still sealed copy on my shelf), but that is the kind of woman I strive to be. Not the mindless robot, per say, but the wife who is attentive towards her husband and mother who is attentive to her children.

I have already made little steps towards it. This year, I have at least show up and showed my face for every school event that my kids have participated in, even if I haven't stayed (can we say I just dropped off food and poked my head in on the two older boys' Chuseok feasts at school). I chose my family over my friends and attended an American Thanksgiving performance with my daughter's class when I have rather gone out with my friend.

Mostly, I need accountability, and this is where this recording of events comes into effect. If I know I have a place that I have to come back to and be responsible for reporting my successes and short-comings, maybe things will go smoother.

I know a lot people think my idea is dated. After all, didn't women fight for the right to work as a man does? I have the ability to chose. I could just as easily place my children in daycare and go to work, but I don't want others raising my children when I have the ability. I chose to be a stay-at-home-mum, a housewife.

Since I can't sleep tonight, I decided that today would be a good day to get my ideas out, and start a fresh tomorrow.